Humor


Humor and Society10 Apr 2005 10:09 pm

I was reading our city’s local liberal rag (primarily because nothing else was available) and rather than get my blood boiling by the outragious liberalism spewed forth by their “staff writers”, I flipped to the back of the magazine to scan the personal ads and help wanted section.

As I was reading the help wanted section this advertisement caught my eye. It read: “If you’ve been referred to as Hippie, Liberal, Environmental-Waco, Progressive or a Non-Conformist, we want you!”

I thought, “Okay, at least they know who they’re looking for.” Then I read the very next line (I swear I’m not making this up): “Sleep Late 2-10:30“.

I thought to myself, “Huh, that about says it all doesn’t it?”

I’m sure there are some liberal, hippie, environmental-wacko, progressive non-conformists out there who aren’t slackers and generally lazy bums, but I’ve never met one.

I realize that this is my own bias towards left-leaning people, but I feel some vindication that even those who would target the way-left-leaning has to admit their shortcomings.


Humor03 Jan 2005 07:26 pm

I saw a Hardee’s commercial tonight. The narration went, “Some guys eat five burgers a week, that’s two hundred and sixty burgers a year…Eleven thousand over a lifetime (emphasis mine)…”

What’s funny is that 11,000 burgers at 260 burgers a year is only a 42 year lifetime which is about right if you eat five burgers a week!

Humor and Potpourri and Society16 Dec 2004 08:30 am

The FCC announced Wednesday that it would lift its restriction on cell phone useage in planes. As you can imagine, this has caused a flurry of stories on radio and TV promising, “It’s coming reaaaal soooon nooow, you’ll be able to use your cell phone on an air plane!”

Pardon me? I don’t want people to be able to use their cell phone on a plane. That’s just rude to everyone who has to suffer through one half of their conversation.

I feel qualified to make this statement because I was once a cell phone junkie too. There was a time - in the not so distant past - where I was never without my cell phone. I didn’t hesitate to hand out those seven little numbers to anyone who showed the slightest interest in the ability to get in touch with me at any time.

I carried my cell phone everywhere and I always had it near. I had home chargers, office chargers, travel chargers, car chargers and spare batteries. There was no chance I would not have a full battery and be able to make or take any call that was beamed, over the aether, to my phone.

Oh, I tried to be polite and not use my phone where it would have gotten me killed. Movie theaters, libraries and job interviews were right out! Almost anywhere else though was fair game.

I lived like this for about 4 years. Making and taking calls, being a “mover and shaker” and being universally available. There was a period of time in the late nineties where I didn’t bother to have a home phone. I was far ahead of the “no-phone-but-a-cell-phone” trend that’s so popular now. The only difficulty at the time was ordering a pizza from Pizza Hut, but since their pizza is terrible I actually came out ahead - no more Pizza Hut brand pizza!

Over time I slowly noticed something; some of the people I knew who were die-hard cell-phone junkies like me were being a little less faithful to their phones. Each week they would have their cell phone around them less and less. I wouldn’t be able to catch them running out the door to a meeting; I wouldn’t be able to catch them on their way to dinner with the family. They were slowly “de-phoning” their life.

And you know what? It really didn’t cramp my ability to talk to them. They would call me back or I would catch them at the office and we would have our conversations. They were getting by just fine without a cell phone all the time, and I was getting by just fine without them having their cell phone all the time.

At first I was mad, “How dare they not be reachable twenty-four hours a day?” I would cry. But then I had to face the reality that while they may have been available twenty-four hours a day, I couldn’t recall any times I had needed to contact anyone at 3 a.m. - only the possibility existed.

So I slowly began to evaluate my own cell phone habits; were they healthy? I was definitely fitting in with what society called a “normal” cell-phone user, but is being “normal” compared to society as a whole a good thing?

Very gradually I started to be a little less available by cell phone. It was painfull at first, I had seperation anxiety. I would think, “What would happen if an emergency blew up and I wasn’t available to deal with it?” I had to come to the painful realization that the planet and civilization had managed to get along without my help for a looooong time, and they would probably be okay without me at the helm for a Sunday afternoon.

So I began to leave my phone behind. I would go to the movies without it instead of having it on “silent” mode right next to me. I would go to dinner without it. Slowly, I started making it through whole weekend days without my phone clipped to my belt.

I had broken myself of a bad habit, and I had turned the corner. I realized that things kept running pretty smoothly without me. There were a few times I missed a quasi-important call, but nothing worth worrying about which is what I would have done in the past.

I felt liberated, I felt free! The cell phone was no longer a burden and I was no longer its master. Last year I switched to a new provider and took a new number (against my will). At first I was annoyed because I would have to update everyone to give them my new number. But then I started really thinking about who needed my number in the first place. I was able to cut down who had my number, and only hand it out to a select few people.

By doing that, I reduced my call volume which actually allowed me to carry my phone even less!

I’m not completely free of the cell phone. I still carry it during the week while I’m at work. I carry it if I’ll be out late so my wife can reach me. It’s still in my life, but not in control anymore. If I forget to charge it I don’t worry so much. If I miss someone’s call I know they’ll call back if it’s important.

So the FCC may lift their ban on cell phone usage in the friendly skies but we need to pray that the FAA doesn’t lift their restriction. Ahh, what’s that? The FAA? Yep, there are actually two bans on cell phone usage in the air. The FCC’s ban was to ensure that ground interference was minimized and the FAA’s ban was to ensure that the radios in the cell phones wouldn’t cause a problem with the air plane’s electronics. The media isn’t making a big deal about the FAA angle.

Fortunately for us all the FAA’s commissioned study results aren’t due until 2006. So we should have at least another year of peace and quiet in the great blue yonder.

Humor11 Jan 2004 04:52 pm

A fifty-caliber muzzleloading pistol is a monstrous gun. It packs a wollop as it’s fired, kicking like an unhappy mule.

Today I headed out with my father-in-law to do a little target practice with various muzzlerloaders. He wanted me to get a feel for them so when deer season rolls around again next year I’ll be ready to kill with a variety of weapons; bow, shotgun, crossbow and muzzleloader. I will wield death with a variety of devices…and low, the deer and rabbits and squirrel and quail and ducks shall fear me.

Except they will be laughing at me so hard they will probably just fall over dead from exhaustion. You see, I apparently can’t wield death effectively enough to kill.

As I took aim at my target–a can in the field–I steadied my breathing, relaxed, focused on the shot and calmly and gently squeeeeezed the trigger…and…BOOM!

The gun erupted in a fountain of anger and smoke and recoil the likes of which I wasn’t expecting. The roar of the gun deafened, the smoke that poured forth from the muzzle blinded me and in the final humiliation I didn’t grip the gun solidly and it kicked up and popped me in the face…

Not hurt, but feeling thoroughly embarrassed I turned around to Ron and said, “I think that can got away…”

He just chuckled and said, “I forgot to tell ya’ to really hold on to that gun. She kicks a little.”

Yes, he was trying not to laugh at me. The can, however, did not try to conceal it’s amusement at the situation…sitting there with it’s smug expression…damn cans…

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